


Welcome Back... Richie Tozier

by pensomolto



Series: Talk Show Tozier [2]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Comedian Richie Tozier, Established Relationship, Fix-It, Interviews, M/M, Post-IT Chapter Two (2019), Talk Shows, YouTube, magazine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-07 20:57:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21224063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pensomolto/pseuds/pensomolto
Summary: “Let me set the scene. It’s the office Christmas party at his work, and for some reason my husband invites me as his plus one”.“So we get there, to this large hall with fancy tables and a bar and a stage - which I was like why - and he’s like to me: 'wait here my hot/beautiful/smart/caring husband, for I have forgotten something in the car'. And I was like, 'uh, okay' because positive reinforcement is my number one kink".“Hahaha for my own sake, that was a joke.”***Another year of press; another year of Richie and Eddie’s relationship.





	Welcome Back... Richie Tozier

**Author's Note:**

> You know that Paul Rudd meme going around? That "look at us, hey look at us/who would have thought/not me" meme from his interview on Hot Ones? 
> 
> That's me right now ,,, enjoy!
> 
> (Also, this can be read on it's own; pretty sure the references to pt.1 are explained).

NOVEMBER

Richie feels a sense of deja vu as he sips his bottle of water. Instead of feeling like he’s two seconds from passing out, he is excited to be back. Unlike his first time on the show, he isn’t the first guest of the night. And to pass the time, Richie has been emailing Bill about some of the edits that needed to be done. Richie believes a scene would be funnier if they edit it the way he wrote it in the script. But before he could press send on that email, an intern had told him that it was nearly his time to get on stage. 

In the green room, Richie watches as Stephen Colbert introduces him to the Late Show for the second time.

“Welcome back everybody”, Stephen says and waits for the audience’s cheers to die down. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to _The Late Show_”. Stephen waits a moment before continuing. “Folks, my second guest tonight is a very funny stand-up comedian who has also recently become an Emmy-award winning comedian. Please welcome back… Richie Tozier!”.

Richie smiles as he hears the crowd cheer again and walks out to meet Stephen. Music from the live band plays as he shakes his hand. Richie is sort of laughing already - he can’t see the audience all that well with the lights shining in his face, but he waves in their direction. He sits down on the couch and waits for the interview to begin.

“Nice to see you, how are you?”, says Stephen as the audience settles down.

Richie laughs a little. “Nice to see you too, Stephen”. 

“I haven’t seen you in a long time”, Stephen orders the notes in front of him. “The last time you were here was in February”.

“Yeah, yeah... a lot has happened since then”, Richie says. He adjusts his suit jacket and laughs. “But uh, you may not have seen me since then, but I’ve seen you”.

“Uh-”, Stephen starts to say but Richie cuts him off.

“Yeah, you didn’t see me”.

Both Stephen and the audience laugh.

“Are you stalking me?”, Stephen jokes.

Richie keeps a straight face. “Don’t you see me at your bedroom window every night?”. The audience howls with laughter. “I mean, I saw you at the Emmys last month. You were sitting in the row in front of me”. 

Stephen is still quietly laughing to himself. For a second it looks like Stephen is going to continue with the interview, but he keeps up with the banter. “Why didn’t you say hi?”.

Richie, who is in the middle of taking a sip from the Late Show branded mug, swallows before answering. “Uh, because that would have been weird”.

The audience laughs.

Stephen shakes his head in amusement. “So, you just decided to look at the back of my head?”.

“Yes, well”, Richie says and then laughs. “Everyone was already sitting down and stuff. And my, uh, husband Eddie – he was the one who recognised that it was the back of your head so if anyone’s creepy it’s Eddie”. The audience bursts out with laughter, and Richie’s eyes widen a bit as he realises that Eddie is going to kill him. “Anyway, anyway… it had been too long to say anything so we just whisper-argued over saying hi to you for the whole night”. Richie pauses to stop the onslaught of words. “I’m surprised you didn’t hear us”.

Richie makes eye contact with Stephen and sees that the other man is still silently laughing to himself. “Wow”, he says. “I would have loved to hear that”. Stephen gathers the paper in front of him and continues with the interview. “Well I guess I saw you too because I saw you do your speech for winning the Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special category. Congratulations”.

People in the audience cheer and Richie smiles and scratches the back of his neck. 

“That’s one hell of a segue”, he laughs. “Thank you, uh, it means a lot”.

Stephen continues, “like you said, a lot has happened since February. You’ve taken the comedy scene by storm, what’s next?”.

“Uh”, Richie blanks for a second but then remembers the reason why he’s sitting on the couch in front of a live studio audience with Stephen Colbert. “Yes, um, I wrote a show”.

There’s a beat of silence before everyone laughs.

“That’s correct”, Stephen says. “Do you have more information about it?”.

Richie pauses and looks Stephen up and down. “Not for you”, he says in a Voice. The crowd laughs and Richie joins in. “I have no idea why I did that. Um, yeah, so I wrote a show with Bill Denbrough. You know him, he’s that horror guy”.

Stephen nods. “And it wasn’t just some sort of random collaboration, you know him personally”, he adds.

Richie laughs. “Some might argue too personally… um, anyway, yeah, a show”.

Stephen takes over Richie’s terrible job at promotion. He grabs a large piece of cardboard from behind his desk and angles the front of it towards the main camera.

“Oh, that’s the poster they went with? Interesting”, Richie says but then continues. “So, Bill and I wrote this comedy horror show called _Vladamir_ about this vampire who wants to be a culinary chef”. There’s a beat of silence. “Yeah, that’s the reaction we normally get”.

The audience laughs and a few let out some loud cheers.

Stephen laughs. “So how did the two of you come up with an idea like that?”.

“Uh, honestly, we were out for dinner and really drunk. We thought it would be funny if there was a vampire who was a chef and couldn’t touch garlic”, Richie laughs and covers his mouth.

Again, Stephen laughs to himself and shakes his head before collecting himself. “Here’s a teaser for HBO’s upcoming show _Vladamir_”.

***

DECEMBER

Much like the _Dressing Funny with Tan France_, Richie was surprised when his manager had tried to explain to him what the words _Back-to-Back Chef_ and _Bon Appetit_ mean together.

“Do you mean that food magazine?”, he had asked his manager Steve. “Like, I get that they might be asking for models, but don't you think I’m too sexy for Bon Appetit?”.

All Steve had said was for him to shut the fuck up, open YouTube, and to make sure he was in New York next week.

And here Richie is, standing in an elevator with Steve which would take them to the Bon Appetit office.

“Dude, I still don’t get it. Why do they want me to cook for them? I mean, does it look like a cook for myself”, Richie asks, while gesturing at himself.

Steve raises an unimpressed eyebrow. “I have so many things I could say right now, but I am going to pretend I didn’t hear you”. The elevator door dings. “Oh look, here we are”.

Richie follows Steve as they walk into the reception area; already waiting for them is the director and producer. Richie leave Steve to do his job, and soon enough Richie is standing in front of three cameras with an apron on. The host of the show, who’s name he just learnt is Carla, asks him if he’s ready.

“Uh, yeah, I guess”, he says.

“Perfect”, says Carla.

“And action”, says the director.

“Hi, I’m Carla. I’m here with Emmy award winning comedian, Richie Tozier. Today we’re going to cook a dish together and see if Richie can follow along through verbal instructions only”, she says to the main camera.

Richie takes a moment to let everything sink in. “Yeah, okay”, he says while nodding. 

Carla laughs but continues, “have you ever made ravioli before?”.

Richie laughs and scratches the back of his neck. “Uh, no. I’ve never really successfully made a meal before”.

“What”, Carla exclaims while laughing. “What about just boiling pasta?”.

“Oh, hahaha”, he says. “I know how to make ramen”.

Carla nods. “Perfect, it’s exactly the same”, she jokes.

Richie nods back and tries not to make too much eye contact with the camera.

“Okay”, says Carla. “On a scale of 1-10, how would you rate yourself as a cook?”.

Richie smirks. “Well, personally, I would rate myself at at least a 2. However, my husband would probably say that I’m at a negative 69”. 

“Wow”, Carla says.

“Yeah, I’m not allowed in the kitchen unless it’s to stack or empty the dishwasher. Which I guess is fair. But still, I never get to experience the fun of cooking”. 

Carla laughs a little, and turns to face the camera. “Well, we’ve got twenty minutes on the clock. Are you ready?”. 

Richie takes in a breath and looks at the camera, “I guess”.

“Cut”, says the director. 

Richie just stands there for a second before Carla tells him that they’re going to turn to the cameras in front of their separate workstations, which are set up so they stand back-to-back.

“Oh, I get it now”, says Richie.

“And action!”, says the director.

Richie accidentally stares into the camera in front of him for two long, and almost misses Carla’s instructions.

“So in front of you, you should have a bowel of flour. Dump that onto your station”.

Richie pauses for a second. “Uh, just dump it all there?”. Richie thinks that if he ever went and dumped flour onto their kitchen counter at home, Eddie would kill him.

“Yeah”, says Carla. “Make like a nice mound of flour”.

Richie nods and does as he’s told.

“Then”, continues Carla, “what you need to do in spread the flour out and around with a circular motion”.

“Is this with my hands or…”, asks Richie.

“Yeah, just work it around with your fingers until you get like a giant, very shallow volcano”.

Richie laughs, “okay, I think I know what you mean”. He flattens his hand and moves the flour until it looks like a flat disk.

“Perfect”, says Carla. She then moves onto the next set of instructions. “Now what you need to do is crack the eggs into the well you just made”.

Richie cocks his head to the side and quickly creates a divot in the centre of his flour disk. “Yeah, sure”. 

Carla continues, “and once you’ve done that, use your fork to break up the eggs, but don’t scramble them”.

“Yes, I know exactly what you mean”, he says carefully cracks open both of the eggs - ensuring that he doesn’t get any shell into them (take that Eddie!). He then taps the fork on top of the uncracked eggs. When that doesn’t do anything, he tries to stir the eggs around. However, Richie ends up accidentally breaking the wall of flour, and he quickly uses his other hand to stop the eggs from running off the cutting board. “Everything should be staying within the well, right?”.

“Correct”, says Carla. “Everything should be staying in the well. Because the fork is a sharp pointed object, we never want to bust through the wall”.

Richie tries not to laugh, but he makes eye contact with the camera in front of him.

Carla, unaware of Richie’s lack of professionalism, continues. “Now pour the oil and water into the well and keep stirring - they are in the mini measuring cups.

Richie takes a moment to assess his work station before seeing the oil. “I see it”. He pours the oil and water in all at once and continues stirring. “Fuck”, he says as he ruins the flour wall again.

Carla laughs, “do we have a breach? Is everything okay?”

Riche laughs, “everything is perfect and nothing is going wrong”. He tries to fix it.

“Hahaha perfect”, says Carla. “Now when you’re ready, start to nudge the flour into the middle as you keep stirring the eggs, oil, and water”. 

“Uh”, Richie says. “We’re mixing the flour as well?”.

“Yeah”, says Carla encouragingly. “Start dragging your fork like it’s the seconds hand, you know, like moving around the clock”.

“Oh”, says Richie. He starts to do that. “What about these lumps? Are they okay?”. 

“Yeah, they’re fine”.

Richie lets out a sigh, “thank God”. 

Behind him, Carla laughs. “You’ve got this”, she says. “We can prove to your husband that you can cook at least one meal for him”.

Richie smiles, thinking about how Eddie would freak out over the abomination he’s stirring in front of him. “He’d love that”.

Carla laughs, and the two of them keep stirring. “So anyway, I’ve gotten to a place where this thing can be mixed in with my hands”.

“Woah, okay”, says Richie. He looks down at the sort of dough-thing, and thinks that it may be possible.

Carla gives him a moment before she continues with her verbal commentary. “So here I have a nice bouncy piece of dough with a coating of flour-”.

Richie laughs at the lumpy, sticky mess covering his fingers. “Yeah, same”.

“...but the dough feels soft and like it’s going to be dough”.

Richie nods and keep combining the remaining flour to the dough. His mind goes blank and he sort of sees the appeal of cooking if all it is is mentally checking out in the kitchen and waking up to delicious food. About a minute later Carla interrupts his deep thoughts. 

“Okay, I think our dough should be ready. If there’s any dry bits or dough felt on your cutting board…”, Carla begins.

Anticipating that she’s going to say to shove it all in the centre of the dough and fold, Richie chucks a handful of flour into the middle.

“... just put them to the side and forget about them. They’re not going to mix in”.

Richie freezes and looks up at the camera like he was caught doing something wrong. “Yeah, obviously. Who would think to add those in?”.

Carla laughs. “Wow Richie, I think you’re a natural”.

Richie laughs, “me too, Carla. Me too”.

Then, with instruction, Richie: wraps plastic around his dough - he tries not to laugh at the wording; he flattens the dough into a disk; and, “lets the gluten relax” or whatever the fuck that means. Once those things are done, Carla tells him they have to make a ravioli filling.

The making of the ravioli filling goes much like the making of the pasta - Richie fucking most of the steps up but then somehow getting the correct result. After that, Carla tells him how to pass the pasta into that old-fashioned pasta-flattening machine thing that he’s sure he’d seen in his Nana’s kitchen when he was a kid. Then, he somehow sandwiches the ravioli filling in between two stretched pieces of pasta, and cuts them out with a crimped edged pizza cutter.

As if it’s like he’s coming out of a pasta-induced fever, Richie only gains full consciousness once the ravioli has been platted and he’s turning around to show Carla the finished product.

“Oh my God, yours looks so much better than mine”, Richie says.

“Yours looks so beautiful”, says Carla.

Richie looks from his plate, to Carla’s plate, and back to his. “That is not an adjective I would use”.

The director then guides them so they’re sitting in front of one of the benches to the side, so they can try each other's creations.

Richie’s stomach grumbles and he’s reminded that he didn’t eat breakfast. “Fuck, I am so hungry”. Carla laughs at him, and she compliments his dish some more. She goes to take a bite, but Richie says: “wait, I need to take a photo so Eddie will believe me”.

Richie hears some of the crew laugh. “I’m not kidding”, he exclaims.

***

JANUARY

The New Year rolls by and Netflix releases his newest comedy special entitled _This Needs to Pay the Bills_. When he had initially pitched the name of it to his team, they hadn’t been a fan. However, Richie had been able to convince them to let him keep it.

Anyway, with the release of another comedy special, it means another year of touring and press and Richie is sort of both dreading it and looking forward to it.

To start of 2020, Richie Tozier sits on James Corden’s couch; a segment of _This Needs to Pay the Bills_ playing for the audience in the studio, the audience at home, and the audience existing for the rest of time - ready for whoever presses on this specific YouTube video.

_“Let me set the scene. It’s the office Christmas party at his work, and for some reason my husband invites me as his plus one”. [Richie laughs along with the crowd]. “I know right”._

_“So we get there, to this large hall with fancy tables and a bar and a stage - which I was like why - and he’s like to me: 'wait here my hot/beautiful/smart/caring husband, for I have forgotten something in the car'. And I was like, 'uh, okay' because positive reinforcement is my number one kink"._

_[Audience laughter]._

_“Hahaha for my own sake, that is a joke.” [Richie pauses for a beat then continues]. "Anyway, so I go over to the bar and get myself a drink because the idea of awkwardly mingling with my husband’s coworkers made my skin itch - oh how wrong I was”. [Richie rubs his hands together]._

_[Audience laughter]._

_“And while I skulled down multiple glasses of sparkling wine after sparkling wine. I overhear a very INTERESTING conversation. About like 10 feet away from me was a group of my husband’s coworkers, and they were discussing one of my favourite things... my husband. Ah, it was like music to my ears. So I casually walk over and join the circle - they don’t seem to mind, or even spare me a glance. They’re all like: 'Oh my God, do you think Eddie will come?', and 'do you think he’ll bring him'. And I was firstly like 'ouch I have a name', but then I was like 'ahahah time to bring me my money' because either way they were going to tell me embarrassing stories about my husband, or I saw going to tell you all an embarrassing story about them”._

_[Light audience laughter]._

_“So yeah, it’s only about five minutes of me standing there but I learn SO MUCH workplace gossip about my husband. [Richie stage-whispers into the microphone]. Apparently he gave his coworkers the same lecture he gave me about making sure you hand-wash all the dishes before you put them into the dishwasher. [His voice returns to normal]. Ahh, it makes me weak in my knees when I think about it, I love him so much”._

_“They’re into their third anecdote about my beautiful husband and then hush… he walks up to the group. They try and play it cool, but they’re amateurs. [Richie starts laughing]. Then, one of the co-workers is like 'Oh hi Eddie, did you bring anyone with you?'. And Eddie makes eye-contact with me and I immediately get a heart-boner because I know exactly what type of shit he’s about to pull'._

The clip finishes and Richie stops staring at his hands - he’s still a bit jet lagged from the flight to LA. The audience in the studio is clapping and laughing.

“That was a segment from Richie Tozier’s newest comedy special _This Needs to Pay the Bills_”, says James Corden. “Now Richie”, he starts. “You grew up far from Hollywood in Derry, Maine. What was a young Richie Tozier doing as a kid?”. Richie laughs, and wonders if the world would ever be ready to find out. James continues. “In my head, I sort of feel like, you were doing stuff just on the right side of mischievous”. 

Richie laughs and says,“that depends on your definition of mischievous”. A couple of people in the crowd laugh. “Um, but yeah. I never got like arrested or anything if that’s what you’re asking”.

James smiles. “You had a pretty iconic group of friends growing up in Derry, what’s something mischievous that you guys got up to?”, he asks, changing tactics. 

Richie’s mind reels for a second as he tries to think of an appropriate story in a short amount of time. “Uh, we almost flooded the town”. 

The audience laughs, and James settles back on his chair, ready to hear the story.

Richie laughs to himself. “It’s not that exciting of a story. But anyway, it was actually the first time I met Ben, uh, Ben Hanscom. You know, that architect who designed that ugly BBC communications centre in London?”. He addresses the second part to James who nods with amusement. 

The audience laughs anyway.

“So yeah, it was the summer. And our number one hangout spot was this dense-forest-area-thing which we called the Barrens”. Richie laughs and says, “it’s pretty fucking stupid”. He takes a breath and keeps telling his story. “And uh, I was running late to meet up with gang. You know, world-famous horror author Bill Denbrough, and my beautiful and amazing future husband. I was so excited that I didn’t really notice the controversial but renowned architect Ben Hanscom sitting in the stream building a fucking dam”.

There’s a beat of silence, then loud laughter.

James cuts in, “a dam?”.

“Yeah, a literal dam”, Richie exclaims. “And like, he just knew how to do it - despite being in middle school. But it worked, and would have caused a lot of damage”.

“Wow”, says James, covering his mouth and nodding.

Richie’s laughing thinking about trashy magazine headlines ready to call Ben an eco-terrorist or some shit. “Yeah, but that has nothing on the crackhouse”, Richie lets slip.

“What kind of childhood did you have”, James asks with a scandalised tone.

Richie internally groans at the irony, but says in a Voice: “well, you can find out if you come and see my new comedy tour _This Needs to Pay the Bills_! Tickets are available through my website”. He then takes a sip from his glass of water. “Uh, but seriously it kind of a long story”.

The audience moans in protest, like they really want to know about the crackhead house.

“Fine”, Richie rolls his eyes for effect. “I guess I'll tell you about that fateful summer. Okay so, you know how in every town or suburb there’s that haunted looking house? Like the kind that hasn’t been lived in for like fifty years, but had never been knocked down. Anyway, Eddie - my husband - used to play around near this house-”. Richie interrupts his story to burst out laughing.

James is laughing too. “And how old were you?”, he asks.

“We were like thirteen, maybe fourteen”, Richie says. “By the way, my husband did not do crack at his house. He, ahahaha, he would watch trains go by”.

The audience awws.

“Yeah, what a fucking loser”, Richie jokes. “Anyway, it was during the summer and for some crazy reason we decided to go inside the crackhouse”.

“And when you say ‘we’, you’re referring to-”, James asks before Richie interrupts him.

“Yeah”, Richie lists the Losers on his fingers. “Bill Denbrough, Ben Hanscom, Beverley Marsh, my husband Eddie, my accountant Stan, my beloved Mikey, and myself - we all decided to go inside this house”.

“Wow”, says James. “What a lineup of people”. 

The audience laughs.

“So what happened”, James asks.

Richie takes in a breath. “Well, it was like we were all possessed by a shared imagination, or it was probably crack particles in the air, because we ended up being chased by a demonic clown and freaking the fuck out”. 

There’s a beat of silence, but then James and the audience laugh.

Richie waits a moment before continuing, “Also, my husband fell through the ceiling and broke his arm”.

“Oh my God, no”, says James.

“Yeah”, says Richie. “Derry was pretty crazy”.

***

_ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CiKVWhAu7UM _

_0:00 / 7:52_

_Richie Tozier Answers the Web’s Most Searched Questions | WIRED_

_2,184,578 views . Jan 19, 2020_

_\----_

_WIRED_

_5.33M subscribers_

Comedian Richie Tozier takes the WIRED Autocomplete Interview and answers the internet’s most searched questions about himself. Is Richie Tozier related to Beverly Marsh? Where did Richie Tozier grow up? How did Richie Tozier meet his husband? Watch to find out the answers to all these questions, and more!

_[Transcript]_

“Hi, I’m Richie Tozier and I’m going to be doing the, uh, WIRED complete interview - fuck, let me try that again”.

_Text: Autocomplete suggests the most common searches on the internet_

“I’m Richie Tozier and I’m doing the WIRED autocomplete interview. Let’s go lesbians!”.

_Text: So WIRED asked Richie Tozier some of the internet’s burning questions_

[Richie is holding the first board. The search box says: **Is Richie Tozier**]. 

“Okay, okay. So people really google this stuff about me? There’s so many boards… ahaha wow okay”. 

[Richie peels off the first question]. 

“Is Richie Tozier real?”.

[Laughter]. 

“Uh, yeah, unfortunately”. 

[Richie peels off the second question].

“Is Richie Tozier nice? Wow, I’d like to think so, like deep down inside that I’m a nice person. But probably not… I can come across as a bit of an asshole”.

[Richie peels off the next question].

“Is Richie Tozier married”.

[Richie smiles at the camera].

“I am, and it’s awesome”.

[Next question].

“Is Richie Tozier a smoker”.

[There is a beat of silence].

“Uh, if you’re my doctor or my husband then the answer is no”.

[Laughter].

“... yeah, hahaha no. I don’t smoke anymore”.

[Next question].

“Is Richie Tozier related to Beverly Marsh?”.

[There is several seconds of laughter].

“What?”.

[More laughter].

“Uh, no. She’s my sister from another mister. Ahaha, I’m flattered though. Love you Bevvy! Kisses!

[Next question].

“Is Richie Tozier from LA? Uh, I mean, I used to live in LA. But no, I’m from Maine, you know, like some character in a book”.

[All the questions on the board have been answered. Richie throws it behind him].

[Richie holds the second board. The search box says: **Where Richie Tozier**]. 

“Wow, this could get creepy”.

[Richie peels off the top question].

“Where did Richie Tozier go to college? Uh, I went to Glendale Community College in California.”

[Peels next question].

“Where does Richie Tozier live?”

[Bleep]

“Hahaha, please bleep that out. I live in my house”.

[Peels next question].

“Where did Richie Tozier grow up? I grew up in Derry, Maine. I don’t recommend it. Is that the end of that board? That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be”.

[All the questions on the board have been answered. Richie throws it to the side].

[Richie holds the third board. The search box says: **Does Richie Tozier**]. 

“Does Richie Tozier, huh? Wow I can’t wait to learn all this shit I apparently do”.

[Peel].

“Does Richie Tozier have a twitter? Um yes, I do. But if you get emotionally scarred by the content I tweet, it’s not my fault. Follow at your own risk, I say”.

[Peel].

“Does Richie Tozier have siblings?”.

[Laughter].

“I swear everybody asks me this. Once I read this article saying that I have a sister which was really confusing. Uh, but no. I am an only child – which probably explains a lot”.

[Peel].

“Does Richie Tozier wear contacts? I used to actually, for a really long time. But they started to hurt my eyes, so I just wear glasses instead. If I’m ever in public and I don’t want to see anyone I can just turn my vision off – it’s great! Hahaha”.

[Peel].

“Who does Richie Tozier remind me of?”

[Laughter].

“God, I feel bad for whoever gets compared to me”.

[Peel].

“Where does Richie Tozier get his shirts”.

[Loud laughter].

“This is the best question I’ve ever been asked. So I know exactly what you’re referring to. I get those shirts from this amazing retro thrift store in New York. People have been asking me that because I’ve been dressing better, did I get rid of all of those shirts. And let me reassure you, no I didn’t. I made a promise to my husband and my stylist that I would dress nicely during the week. But on the weekend, oh baby, I get freaky!”.

[Richie is laughing. All the questions on the board have been answered. Richie throws it behind him].

[Richie holds the fourth board. The search box says: **When Richie Tozier**. He peels off the first question]. 

“Ugh, this section’s going to make me feel old”.

[Richie peels off the top sticker].

“When did Richie Tozier graduate college?”

[Richie makes a face and looks to the side].

“Hold on I’m trying to do the math… I, uh, graduated in 1998. Jesus Christ, that was a long time ago”.

[Peel].

“When did Richie Tozier meet his husband? Aww, cute. We met when we were kids, but we also met again in 2016. You know, all eternal love lasting the ages, blah blah blah”.

[Richie smiles and peels the next question].

“When did Richie Tozier get married? I got married last year in September. It was a small wedding but if you squint, there are photos from it on Bev’s Instagram. Go and harass her”.

[Laughter. All the questions on the board have been answered. Richie stares at the camera as he lets the piece of cardboard slide out of his hands].

[Richie holds the fifth board. The search box says: **What Richie Tozier**].

“What happened to Richie Tozier? Hahaha, fuck. Man, when you figure that one out, please hit me up. Uh, I guess you could say midlife crisis but we all good now”.

[Richie points at the camera. He peels and reveals the next question].

“What height is Richie Tozier? Ew, who knows that off the top of their head? I don’t know, Google it hahaha”.

[Peel].

“What year was Richie Tozier born? 1976.

[Peel].

“What did Richie Tozier parents do? What a weird question. Uh, so my dad was a dentist and my mom was a… I guess housewife? A stay at home mom? Yeah, anyway”.

[Peel].

“What shoes does Richie Tozier wear?”.

[Laughter].

“Oh my God, hahaha. So recently I’ve been known to wear these”.

[Richie lifts his leg into the air].

“Uh, I think they’re called the Stan Smiths? I don’t know. I get confused with Sam Smith, that singer. They’re white shoes that make me look younger”.

[All the questions on the board have been answered. Richie throws it behind him].

[Richie holds the sixth board. The search box says: **Did Richie Tozier**].

“Is this the last one? No? Oh my God, stop Googling me! I’m tired”.

[Richie reveals the first question].

“Did Richie Tozier win an Emmy? Yes, I did. It was amazing. I love bragging to everyone”.

[Someone says something offscreen. The audio does not pick it up].

“Hahaha, I keep it on my bedside table. I told Eddie that if I win a second one, he can have a bedside-Emmy too”.

[Peels next question].

“How did Richie Tozier meet husband? Uh, first at school. Then because our friend Mike organised a reunion". 

[Peels next question].

“Did Richie Tozier come out? No, I’m still deep in the closet. I love sports and platonically slapping guys on the ass”.

[Peels next question].

“What did Richie Tozier study?”

[Laughter].

“So technically I majored in Politics and minored in Theatre… guess which one helped me. The answer will shock you”.

[All the questions on the board have been answered. Richie hands the piece of cardboard to an outstretched hand].

[Richie holds the final board. The search box says: **How Richie Tozier**].

“Finally, oh my God. My fingers hurt from peeling all these pieces of paper”.

[Peel].

“How to pronounce Richie Tozier. Ha, this should have probably been better answered at the start. Um, I don’t mind if people pronounce it wrong. Technically, it’s my stage name now because my legal name changed when I got married”.

[Peel].

“How old is Richie Tozier?”.

[There is a beat of silence].

“I’m nearly 44. Next!”.

[Peel].

“How much is Richie Tozier net worth? How do you calculate that? I don’t know, I’ll need to ask my accountant - I’ll text him now and see what he says”.

[Richie pulls out his phone and is silent for ten seconds].

“Okay, it sent. It will only be a moment”.

[Richie plays with the cardboard].

“Hahaha, Stan-the-man pulling through like always! I love that dude. Oh, he says ‘I’m a disgusting piece of shit who doesn’t own anything’. There you go!”.

[Richie and the other people on set laugh].

“Hey guys, thanks for Googling me, I guess. I hope I answered all the questions you needed answers to. I hope you learned some new things about me. Bye”.

_[End of transcript]_

***

APRIL

“Welcome back to the show, thank you so much for being here”, Jimmy Fallon says. 

“Thanks, man”, says Richie, while sitting down in his seat. He tries not to make eye contact with the person sitting on the other side of him; he can feel them trying to psyche him out.

Jimmy continues. “You’re a very busy man. You’re off to perform at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival again. But before that, you have a show that’s debuting on HBO this weekend”.

Someone from the crowd cheers.

Richie laughs and says “thank you-”. But, the person on his right speaks over him.

“I wrote it too”, says Bill.

The room erupts with laughter, and Jimmy starts banging on his desk - he seems like he’s really into the joke despite there not being one.

“Oh, hi Big Bill”, says Richie. He dramatically positions himself so he’s facing his old friend instead. “I didn’t see you there”.

Bill just rolls his eyes.

Like with the interview they did together last year, Richie was surprised to hear that _The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon_ wanted both Bill and Richie to make another appearance. From the memes and social media frenzy Richie had witnessed in the wake of their talk show collaboration, Richie didn’t think that he’d ever be allowed to do press with another Loser again. But that was before he wrote and helped direct a television show with Bill Denbrough.

“Are you guys ready for the premiere of _Vladimir_ this Sunday?”, asks Jimmy, like he’s trying to be a part of the conversation.

The audience cheers, and Richie turns so he doesn’t have his back to Jimmy Fallon.

“Yeah”, says Bill. “It’s pretty exciting”. 

Richie goes to add his own commentary but doesn’t get the chance.

“Now Bill”, asks Jimmy. “What brought on this collaboration? What made you decide to get into the TV show and comedy genre”.

Richie narrows his eyes at the wording. “Um, ouch".

Bill laughs and pats Richie on the back for effect. “I felt sorry for my friend Richie. I thought he could do with the extra money”. The audience and Jimmy laugh; Richie looks around the room and wonders why he’s being attacked right now. “But no, Richie and I were talking, and we thought that it would be fun to write a show together. W-we didn’t expect HBO to pick it up and pay us for it though”.

“Yeah, wow”, exclaims Jimmy. “Who came up with the whole ‘vampire wanting to become a chef’ thing? Because that sounds hilarious”.

The crowd laughs.

“Hahaha, it is pretty funny”, says Bill. “But Richie here came up with that. He kept insisting that we try and hire Robert Pattinson to r-reprise his role as Edward Cullen. I think he has a thing for people named Eddie”.

Richie is bringing his branded mug of water up to his mouth; he spills it on his lap as he laughs. “Why are you being so mean to me? I’m just sitting here!”.

The audience laughs at their interaction.

Jimmy is laughing too.

Bill pats him on the back again, and more water sloshes over the rim of the mug. “You deserve it”.

Jimmy takes back the reigns of the interview. “When you guys were writing the characters, did you consider acting in the show?”.

“Well, obviously Vlad was written with myself in mind. When we were writing character description it was: ‘he has to be tall, rugged, good looking but in a weird way’”, Richie says in a Voice. “But I was too busy and successful to play the lead". Richie pauses for a second. "I don’t know why they didn’t cast Bill though”.

Again, Bill rolls his eyes. Jimmy and the crowd laugh. Richie shakes his at Bill with a small smile on his face.

Jimmy looks at his notes and add in: “But Richie, you majored in Theatre at college, didn’t you?”.

Richie laughs, “yeah that was like twenty years ago. The acting game has changed, my man”.

“Yeah”, Bill says. “We’re old. Who would w-want to see us on their screen anyway?”.

***

JULY

_ https://i-d.vice.com/en_au/article/evwwma/richie-tozier-interviews-beverly-marsh-photos _

_FASHION | By i-D Magazine | 02 July 2020, 1:11am_

_Beverly Marsh in conversation with Richie Tozier: the most successful fashion designer in New York interviewed by comedy’s most popular comedian._

To mark the release of MARSH, Beverly Marsh and Richie Tozier talk fashion, politics, social media and marriage.

[SHARE FACEBOOK] [SHARE TWITTER]

(Beverly wears jacket from spring/summer 20 MARSH collection).

_Beverly Marsh is the ground-breaking fashion designer and stylist responsible for multiple trends. Richie Tozier is the sold-out award-winning comedian making the world a better place one laugh at a time. To mark the release of MARSH, Beverly Marsh and Richie Tozier talk fashion, politics, social media and marriage. Click here to order the issue._

When Beverly Marsh shot into the fashion industry in 2000, the world fell in love with her designs. Despite her low-profile beginnings, the world of fashion began to learn of Beverly’s iconic flourishes and skill with her contributions to the winter/fall 2001 collection with Gucci. It was a collection which was praised and adorned by elites alike, and her career has been on an upward trajectory since.

Beverly went on to work with various other designer brands which earned her recognition and renown, but it is with the release of her own fashion line MARSH that her talent has been taken to the next level.

With MARSH, Beverly brings designer fashion to the everyday-consumer at an affordable price. She has said that while she loved doing high concept pieces for designer brands, she wants to help bridge the gap between abstract runway looks and everyday fashion. With the launch of MARSH, what better way to do this; her skill and name has made its way to the forefront of the fashion world.

Loved by demographics alike for her talent and activism, Beverly is an icon. Although, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago when an image of herself and Bill Denbrough, Ben Hanscom (now her husband), Richie Tozier and others went viral that the internet went into meltdown inquiring into how these top-of-their-field figures knew one another.

This isn’t the first-time celebrities have been found to be close friends with one another. We all lost – and continue to lose – our minds when Hugh Jackman, Ryan Reynolds and Jake Gyllenhaal all interact with one another. However, it is the first time that these friendships have been traced back to childhood.

Things just keep going up for Beverly Marsh. We can’t wait to see what happens next. But first, she’s got a very important phone call to take…

**Richie Tozier: Hello, am I speaking to Molly Ringwald?**

**Beverly Marsh:** Hello to you, Richie. I’m excited for this interview – nervous, but excited.

**Richie Tozier: Yeah, I don’t know why they asked me to do this, but I have a bunch of questions to ask you in front of me, and I’m going to do a fucking good job.**

**Beverly Marsh:** Oh God.

**Richie Tozier: Without further ado! My first question; David Bowie once said that, “Creativity is like wading out into the ocean. You wade out to the point where you can’t touch the bottom, you’re a little scared, and that’s where you do your best work”. Do you agree?**

**Beverly Marsh:** Wow, I’m speechless. That’s actually a good question. I do agree. I’ve always found that whenever you do anything – and it doesn’t have to always relate to work – you do your best work when you’re out of your comfort zone. You become more human.

**Richie Tozier: I think so too. Like even with my comedy, I found that my best work has been the stuff where I’ve pushed myself to be a little more honest… a little prouder. And I’m glad you liked my question. It was the first inspirational quote that popped up on Pinterest.**

**Beverly Marsh:** Of course it was. But anyway, it really made me think. I know you don’t like people sincerely congratulating you, but I’m really proud of you Richie. But that’s enough about you, this interview is about me.

**Richie Tozier: You’re right, you’re right. Before launching MARSH, your designer work was already renowned in the industry. What made you want to change your focus from the arty-expensive stuff to clothes I can find at my local mall?**

**Beverly Marsh:** You really have a way with words Richie, I’m truly inspired. The change came from me wanting to make things more accessible. I remember when I was a young girl, other girls would make fun of me for the way that I dressed – and I actually liked how I dressed. But I guess it was the whole thing about how ‘better clothes are expensive/cheap clothes are embarrassing’, and I wanted to help change that. Or at least get the conversation going because it’s still a problem today.

**Richie Tozier: As someone in the entertainment industry, I understand. When I’m doing press, I’m never in the clothes I actually own – their either hired or my stylist brought them in. But people who aren’t in the industry, they don’t really know that. So, you get these kids who see celebrities in designer brands, and they think that’s normal, that they actually go about their everyday lives living in those clothes…**

**Beverly Marsh: **… there’s always that 1% that do exclusively live in Gucci or Louis Vuitton, and that’s fine. But you're right, people see that, and they want to copy their favourite celebrities’ styles, but there’s the huge price gap. Then in some cases, they go overseas and get fake-designer items which aren’t ethically made. That’s why I wanted to make MARSH; I want to change that – I want to help change that.

**Richie Tozier: Wowie, Miss Ringwald pulling out the stats! Respect. Yeah, I’ve said this before but when I’m not in the public eye, I’m wearing the most abdominal of clothes.**

**Beverly Marsh: **Oh trust me, I know. 

**Richie Tozier: Anyway, I want to talk about married life! Look at us two, happily married to our childhood sweethearts…**

**Beverly Marsh:** … that’s one way to put it. But yes, Ben has been wonderful. As you know, he’s very supportive – he actually pushed me out of my comfort zone and urged me to launch MARSH. Eddie’s been that same with you which is wonderful.

**Richie Tozier: He sure is wonderful… this just came in my head now, but we both have stage names. Mrs Hanscom, who are you really?**

**Beverly Marsh:** Okay Mr Kaspbrak, two can play at this game. I’m curious actually – I’ll answer my reason in a minute – but why did you decide to take Eddie’s name?

**Richie Tozier: Woah! My stomach just swooned like a virgin on prom night. Uh, I decided to take Eddie’s last name because we want our kids to be Kaspbraks. Can you imagine how horrific they’ll be? Them running around causing mayhem in the classroom – teachers stumbling over the pronunciation of their surname because they’re too afraid to ask and it’s been too long into the school year.**

**Beverly Marsh: **You two are disgusting. Wow, mine is more that I want to keep my work life and personal life separate from one another. At work I’m Beverly Marsh; at home I’m Beverly Hanscom.

**Richie Tozier: Don’t lie, we all know Ben would have happily been Ben Marsh – I sort of wish he was.**

**Beverly Marsh: **We did have that conversation, but it sounds too much like a superhero name. No, Richie! Do not make that joke! And shouldn’t you ask me some more questions? You’re not a very good interviewer.

**Richie Tozier: Excuse me, you’re no fun. Fine, fine. Beverly, do you have a favourite piece from your debut MARSH spring/summer 20 collection?**

**Beverly Marsh:** Someone has done his homework. I do actually. It’s this patterned jumpsuit that is styled after the workwear-type boiler suits.

**Richie Tozier: I know the one. Do you think it would suit me?**

**Beverly Marsh:** Um, fashion is subjective, and everyone should have the opportunity to wear whatever they want. Is there another question we can move on to?

**Richie Tozier: Wow, Beverly Marsh just said I’d objectively look horrible in a jumpsuit – Eddie! Stop laughing at me. Oh, you’re on speaker by the way. Eddie’s waving at you.**

**Beverly Marsh:** Hi Eddie! Please tell your husband to do his job!

**Richie Tozier: OUCH! Okay, okay. So this is a bit of a personal one: we reunited in 2016, and in the following year the entertainment industry saw the Me Too movement come into the spotlight. You were vocal during that time. Do you feel a pressure to be political in this day and age?**

**Beverly Marsh: **I wouldn’t say that it’s a pressure, but I do feel like it’s a responsibility. I was in an abusive relationship with someone who was in the same industry as myself, and there were times where I felt that if I didn’t stay with him, my career would suffer. So, with that past-experience and fear, I knew that I needed to tell my story and tell others who are in the same position that I was in, that it gets better if you speak out about those sorts of things. 

**Richie Tozier: Well said. We’re living in a time where it’s impossible not to be aware of what’s going on in the world. It’s important to stand up for what is right. With my work, even as idiotic as it can be, I try and makes sure my views come through. I think of when I didn’t write my own material, and how sexist and derogatory it was - I’m ashamed that that was the work I was doing in 2016! Do you think social media is important in this day and age in relation to social politics. **

**Beverly Marsh: **For sure, I think it dictates social politics. I think there’s good and bad with it. I’m remembering when we were kids, imagine how vicious kids would have been with social media - but that’s happening now to millions of kids everyday. That’s why I think it’s a responsibility for people with a platform to speak out about these sorts of things. But there is the good of course… I just think the bad can sometimes outweigh the good. 

**Richie Tozier: Okay, I’m going to talk about our childhoods for a moment. If you could speak to young Beverly Marsh when you were - I don’t know, let’s say thirteen years old. What would you tell her?**

**Beverly Marsh: **Wow, that’s a tough one. I’d say to her: do what makes you happy, don't worry about what other people think of you... and never do something because someone has intimidated you into doing it. What about you, what would you say to a young Richie Tozier? 

**Richie Tozier: I’d probably tell him to cool it with the ‘I fucked your mom’ jokes - because they weren't exactly winning my beloved's favour. But uh, probably the same as you. I’m going to get cheesy: if you were told you can only listen to one song, watch one film, read one book, and talk to one person for the rest of your life, what would you choose?**

**Beverly Marsh: **Jesus Christ, that’s a lot to remember. For song, it would have to be ‘Running Up That Hill’ by Kate Bush - I remember when that would play on the only radio station that would work in Derry, and how it would make me feel free and feral. I remember us spending a night or two doing interpretive dance to that song. For the film, I have to say ‘Love Actually’ I think it’s sweet. The book… um, maybe ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ is the last one I read and I’m convinced it is a satire. And person, you know I have to say Ben. Can I spin the same question on you?

**Richie Tozier: For you Beverly, anything. Also, I’m going to play that song as soon as this phone call is over because it’s been too long. Uh, my song would probably be ‘Eddie my Love’- oh my God, stop THROWING things at me. Okay, my song would be ‘Africa’ for similar reasons - it makes me feel free and feral too. For the film, I don’t know… there’s too many to think of. The book, wow… I’ve promptly forgotten every book I’ve ever read. Wait, I’ve read ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ too! Yeah, that is probably satirical. We should start a book club! And for my person, like you, I’d have to say Ben. **

**Beverly Marsh: **Wow. Wait, I hope I’m saying this right. You’re Mr Steal Your Man!

**Richie Tozier: Oh my God, I’m dying! Stop. Okay [laughs] here’s my final question: What’s the meaning of life?**

**Beverly Marsh: **Goodbye Richie, it was nice talking to you. See you soon!

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CLICK HERE TO ORDER THE ISSUE

_This article originally appeared on i-D USA. _

_***_

AUGUST

A clip from Richie’s Netflix special plays for the audience.

_“There’s something that has been collectively agreed upon by society”. [Richie waits for a couple of seconds]. “You know, one of those unwritten rules like how you shouldn’t ever make conversation with someone at the supermarket while you’re waiting for the register”._

_[Some laughter]._

_“It never goes right. You can never really hear what they’re saying, and then you don’t know if they’re making fun of you”. [Silence]. “Damn, no one else can relate? Not going to lie, that’s a bit embarrassing to admit out loud._

_“Anyway… we’ll just that that insecurity slide. Another thing that has been collectively agreed upon by society is that gays can’t drive._

_[There is a small collective laugh, but one really loud cheer. Richie laughs]._

_“Hey, that guy gets it. It’s true! And I can say it because I’m a member of the lgbt-i-need-to-take-public-transport community - it’s a real mouthful but if you say it enough it rolls better off the tongue”._

_[Laughter]._

_“But, it’s true! [Richie points at the front row]. “Hahaha, there’s a straight person in the front row who looks unsure. They don’t know if this sweaty man is committing a hate crime or not. I’m a gay who can’t really drive, it’s chill. But please don’t cancel me on Twitter – my account will be suspended for good”._

_[Loud laughter]._

_“My husband on the other hand… wow. You know those handlebars that are near the roof of the car - you can hold onto them if you feel unsafe? Mine fell off because I’ve used it too much._

_“Now, don’t get me wrong. I love my husband. I can never relate to those comedians who tell jokes that are all about hating their partners. They’re all like ‘ugh I hate my partner they’re a bitch/fucking asshole. Like, no! I love my husband so much because he IS such a bitch/fucking asshole”._

_[Loud laughter and clapping]._

_“While I’m at it, I’d like to thank you all for coming out. And you…”. [Richie turns to the camera] “…Netflix for paying me to do this. Because I need to pay off my speeding fines, and my husband need to renew our car insurance because he rear-ended a weird breed of Ferrari last week - and no that is NOT an innuendo”._

The live studio audience cheers and claps.

Richie makes his way to sit on the couch; he feels a bit off. The vibes are rancid – or however the saying goes.

“Thank you for coming”, Jimmy Kimmel says at him over the cheers of the audience.

Richie strains to hear him. “Yeah, thank you”.

“I saw your newest Netflix special last night, and I must say, I now understand why your buddies call you Trashmouth”.

“Aw, come on”, says Richie. “It’s not that bad”.

Kimmel speaks over him. “It is really good. Are you aware of how good it is? Are you proud of it?”.

Richie narrows his eyes at the wording. “Um, yeah. I guess…”.

“It’s a tough question right. You look like a jerk if you say yes; if you say no everyone knows you’re lying”.

Richie plays along, “yeah, exactly”.

Some people from the audience cheer.

Kimmel continues with his interview. “Now”, he starts. “In you special you talk a lot about your husband”. The same people from the audience cheer. “Does he like your jokes?”.

Richie laughs a little and scratches the back of his neck. “I mean yeah, he approves of all of them”.

“Approves”, repeats Kimmel. “Like if he doesn’t like one you don’t say it?”.

“Well, yeah”, says Richie.

Kimmel just continues. “In your special – and in the clip we just showed – you talk about how bad of a driver he is”. There is some laughter from the audience. “Did he approve of that joke? Because if I went and said that my wife was a terrible cook live on air, she’d kill me”.

More people from the audience laugh.

Richie’s mouth drops open in surprise. “Wow”, he says. “Um, okay”. He waits a beat before continuing. “Uh, it’s more like how I said it in the clip. Like, the stereotype that gay people can’t drive, and making a joke about that… I don’t think there’s a stereotype about women and cooking”.

Kimmel just laughs without hearing what Richie said.

“In another one of your jokes, you said that your husband makes you wash the dishes before putting them into the dishwasher. Are there other crazy things that he makes you do?”.

The bad vibes from before were probably warning Richie about this. “I don’t think he’s crazy”, Richie says seriously. 

“Oh no”, jokes Kimmel. “He’s brainwashed you“.

“Hey man, that’s not cool”.

Kimmel asks the next question at him. “Next month is Emmys month. You’ve been nominated for two Emmys. One for your Netflix special, and the other for your show _Vladimir_. Are you looking forward to winning?”.

“Uh, I don’t really think about it that way”, says Richie honestly. “I mean, with the special, obviously there are people that have worked really hard, so it would be great to give them that recognition. Same with _Vladimir_ \- by the way the show was nominated, not just me - so it would be amazing to commemorate the hard work done by everyone involved: the production team, the actors, the directors, and maybe the writers too”.

People laugh. 

“Your co-writer, Bill Denbrough. What was it like growing up with him?”, asks Kimmel. 

Richie internally sighs. “Yeah. It was great, man. You know, we got up to normal kid stuff-”.

“Back then, did you know he was going to turn out to be an amazing writer?”, Kimmel interrupts.

Richie looks at the monitor under one of the cameras, it has a countdown until they have to go to a commercial break. It has 40 seconds. 

“Yeah, we sort of had an inkling. He was always really good and telling stories. When he started, no matter the plot, we’d always stop what we were doing and listen. Once he told us a story about…”, Richie just keeps talking - waiting for Kimmel to inevitably interrupt him and say they have to cut to a commercial break. 

***

SEPTEMBER

Richie steps out onto the stage, people are cheering, and he sits down.

“Hey man”, says Seth Meyers. “I’m such a fan – it’s great to have you on the show”.

The crowd cheers and Richie waves.

“Hahaha, thanks man”, he says. “It’s great to be here – I’m a fan too”.

Seth smiles. “Okay, it’s awards season. And you’ve been nominated for two Emmys. One for Best Comedy Series, and the other for Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special”.

The audience cheers and claps in support. 

Richie scratches the back of his neck. “Thank you so much. Yeah, it’s crazy”, he laughs.

“I hear that you directed the first three episodes of _Vladimir_?”, Seth asks. 

Richie lets out a breath and relaxes. “Yeah, that’s right”.

“Was that something that you knew, as soon as you were doing a show, that you wanted to direct?”, says Seth. 

“Uh, no actually”, Richie laughs. “It just sort of happened…”.

The audience laughs. 

“I mean”, continues Richie, “Bill Denbrough and I, we both wrote the show, and we were talking to our director, and she was like, ‘you can try out directing if you want’, and I ended up doing three episodes”.

The audience claps. 

“Comedian, writer, director. What else is there to do?”, jokes Seth. 

“Well, I’m planning to do a lot of heroin after this”, Richie jokes back without thinking. 

Seth bursts out laughing, and the audience follows suit. 

Richie smiles.

“Do you like going to awards shows?”, asks Seth. 

“Uh”, says Richie. The audience laughs. “Yeah, it’s pretty cool. 

Seth laughs and lets Richie continue. 

“It’s cool to be invited and be in the presence of other great and amazing people… it’s just so tiring”.

People laugh. 

“I know what you mean”, says Seth. “I’m the same”.

“Yeah, and there’s never enough food”, continues Richie. “Like there’s so much alcohol - like endless amounts of alcohol. But I’m always starving and then I get more drunk than necessary and ugh, it’s kind of a mess”. Richie goes for it and keep talking. “And I hate the red carpet, I always try and walk straight past”.

Seth laughs to himself. “Oh yeah, I know exactly what you mean”.

“I never know what to do with my hands. Like, should I just have them hanging straight down? Or should I put them on my hips and look like a deranged teacher? Should I smile? Or should I look calm and cool?”, Richie lists. “These exact thoughts go through my head the millisecond before the camera start going so I end up looking like this”. Richie makes a face as an example. 

The room roars with laughter.

Seth is smiling and laughing.

“Oh my God”, says Richie. “I can hear my stylist and publicist yelling at me from here”.

“I’m going to the Emmys too”, says Seth. “So we can look like deranged teachers, and get too drunk on champagne together”. 

Richie genuinely laughs. “Honestly Seth, I can’t wait”.

***

_[Phoebe Waller-Bridge is standing on the stage]. “Here are the nominees for Outstanding Comedy Series”. [On the screen, it shows the names of each show, stylised in their respective fonts. Audio plays, snippets from each show’s theme song]._

_[A pre-recorded voice lists through the names of each of the shows]._

_“Vladimir”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_“The Good Place”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_“Living with Yourself”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_“Schitts Creek”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_“Insecure”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_“The Politician”. [The title card shows on the screen. A couple of seconds from the theme song plays. There are cheers and claps from the crowd]._

_[Phoebe speaks into the microphone]. “And the Emmy goes to…”. [She opens the envelope]. “… Vladimir!”._

_[The crowd applauds. The camera cuts to where Bill Denbrough and Richie Tozier are sitting. They are sitting next to one another, with people on the other side of them. The woman to the right of Bill Denbrough kisses him on the cheek; the man to the left of Richie Tozier laughs. Bill Denbrough and Richie Tozier stand up. The man next to Richie Tozier stands up too; Richie kisses him. Richie Tozier turns to Bill Denbrough and kisses him too - they laugh. Everyone observing also laughs]._

_[Bill and Richie wait in the aisle for the other actors, directors, and production staff to join them. They all then take the stage. Bill Denbrough does the acceptance speech]._

_“Oh God, we w-were not expecting that, thank you. Richie and I came up with the idea for this back in 2017, but it wasn’t until the end of 2018 when discussions around this show got serious. We soon found out how insane writing a show was, then all the other background stuff; getting it picked up, finding actors, finding a studio – we, an author who writes horror and a comedian, were very out of our depth”._

_[There is laughter from the audience]._

_“Uh, we just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who’s been involved – everyone’s who’s standing here behind us. To our amazing leads, you guys really the show. Our director; our producers; out editors – really, this award is for you”. _

_[People clap]._

_“I’d like to be selfish for a moment and thank my beautiful wife Audra for always being there for me and for always supporting my insane ideas – I couldn’t have done this without you. But also, I’d like to thank the man standing next to me”. _

_[There are some loud cheers from the audience]._

_“Richie, t-thank you so much for working on this with me. Don’t laugh…”. _

_[The camera cuts to show Richie who is covering his mouth with his hands and laughing_

_“… seriously, man. Your wit and intelligence – the show wouldn’t be the show without your writing and d-direction of the first three episodes”._

_[There’s loud applause from the audience. Richie steps so he’s in front of the microphone]._

_“And thank you to Big Bill here – watch out Hollywood. He’s coming for your jobs!”._

_[There is laughter]._

_***_

_[A pre-recorded voice voice]. “Our next award is for Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special. Here are the nominees...”. [On the screen, audio from the various variety specials play, accompanied by the nominee’s name]._

_[The text says ‘Carpool Karaoke: James Corden Drives Harry Styles Around LA… Again’. The clip plays]. “You’re a man who’s quite in touch with his feminine side – you’re like a modern-day Mick Jagger”. “Actually James, I’m a modern-day Harry Styles”. [The audience claps, and a few cheer loudly]._

_[The next text says ‘Jenny Slate: Stage Fright’. The clip plays]. “I get such bad stage fright… the worst thing is like. ‘Just be yourself!’. ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Oh, okay… you should see how many selves there are in my psyche’”. [There is laughter from the audience. People are clapping]._

_[The third text says ‘Arsenio Hall: Smart and Classy’. The clip plays]. “When I first started stand up, my comedy hero used to always say ‘a smart, classy comic doesn’t have to curse and be dirty’. And I used to say ‘OK, Mr Cosby”. [People cheer and clap]. _

_[The fourth text says ‘Richie Tozier: This Needs to Pay the Bills’. The clip plays]. “I don’t know if this is a gay thing, but I was thinking back to high school – specifically high school English class. Ahaha some people are laughing already – they get it! They get the tender and specific relationship made by English teachers and baby queers. But no, what I was going to say is that in retrospect, all the books I studied in high school, they all have homoerotic subtext. No wonder I turned out this way – the US Department of Education is turning the children gay!”. [There is another outburst of laughter. People are still clapping]. _

_[The final text says ‘Springsteen on Broadway’. The clip plays; the spoken word is accompanied by music played on a guitar]. “When I was a young man and looking for a voice to tell my stories, well, I chose my father’s voice. My father was my hero. And my greatest foe”. [The audience claps and cheers]. _

_[The presenter for the award steps out and introduces the category. They open the envelope]. “… and the award for Pre-Recorded Outstanding Variety Special goes to Richie Tozier: This Needs to Pay the Bills’. _

_[The crowd applauds. The camera cuts to Richie’s reaction. He is taking a sip from the glass of champagne in his hand; he chokes and sprays the liquid into the seated row in front of him. The two men sitting beside him erupt with laughter and push him to stand up. Before going up on the stage, Richie hugs the man on his left and kisses him]. _

_[The camera cuts to show Richie walking to the stage. Various people are standing and clapping. Seth Meyers stands in the aisle near the front of the stage; he and Richie laugh and shake hands]._

_“Oh my God, hahaha, thank you. Um, everything has left my brain – give me a moment”. [Richie laughs into the microphone]. “I guess the law of attraction is real because now my husband and I aren't in crippling debt”._

_[The audience laughs. The camera cuts to show the man who was sitting with Richie. He is smiling and wiping at one of his eyes]._

_“Ahaha but thank you. It’s an honour to even be in the same category as all these amazing and talented people. I can’t believe it – why did they vote for me? Ahhh okay, I’ll try and be quick – the countdown is telling me I’ve got twenty-five seconds left”._

_[Laughter]._

_“Okay, so a big thank you to the people at Netflix who decided to give me another special. Uh, thank you to my manager, my stylist, and my publicist. Thank you to my friends.” [Richie turns to face the direction he was sitting]. “Oh my God, Bill! Why are you recording this? It’s already being recorded, you asshole”._

_[The camera cuts to show Bill Denbrough standing, recording with his phone]._

_[Richie laughs and looks down at his award]. “Uh, I’d like to say a big thank you to my husband. Thank you for being you, and for giving me all this content I can capitalise”._

_[The audience laughs]._

_“Yeah, ahaha. Love you! Thank you”. _

_[Richie waves goodbye and walks backstage]._

***

OCTOBER

Richie steps into the light and shakes Conan’s hand. Richie’s laughing.

“It’s good to see you”, says Conan enthusiastically.

Richie mirrors him. “It’s good to see you too”.

“When did I last see you?”, asks Conan. “I think it was around-”.

‘Yeah, I think it was around this time last year”, says Richie.

“Yes”, says Conan. “It was right after you won your first Emmy. Now you have three”.

The audience cheers in support.

Richie scratches the back of his neck. “Hahaha, thanks. Yeah, it’s pretty crazy”.

“How does that feel?”, asks Conan.

“Yeah…”, says Richie. “It’s pretty crazy”.

The audience laughs.

“_Vladimir_ on HBO, it’s one of the biggest hits this year. Did you expect it at all?”.

Richie laughs. “No, no way. It was just a joke between friends which somehow blew up”.

Conan smirks. “Now, the year isn’t over for Richie Tozier because you’ve won another award”. Conan takes out a blown-up picture of Richie at a red-carpet event. “You’ve been presented with the Man of Style award”. 

Richie bursts out laughing, and the audience follows suit.

“Oh my God”, Richie says. “That’s the worst fucking picture of me I’ve ever seen”.

“So, Man of Style”, jokes Conan. “How does it feel to win this prestigious award?”.

Richie groans. “It has to be a joke, right? They’re fucking around with me. But yeah, hahaha, my stylist is very proud”.

The audience laughs.

“It’s quite the evolution”, says Conan. “You look nice dressed in a suit like you are today”. Some people in the audience whistle. “But you can’t let humanity forget that you used to dress like this”. Conan pulls out another picture; Richie is wearing a printed short-sleeve button up and a graphic tee.

Everyone laughs.

“Uh, Conan”, Richie says in a Voice. “I’ll let you in on a trade secret – I still dress like that on weekends”.

Conan laughs. “Is your husband critical of your fashion choices?”.

Richie is silent for a beat. “Uh, sort of”.

People laugh.

“But not in a mean way”, Richie continues. “He says that I dress like an ugly piece of shit. But it’s with love. He’s like ‘Oh my God, someone look an ugly picture of you, you should see what you were wearing’ and then shows me a picture he just took of me, like two seconds before”. Richie sighs dramatically and pretends to swoon in his seat. “He loves supporting me”, he jokes. “He’s also taking partial credit for the Man of Style award”.

Conan laughs, “as he should”.

***

_ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a730vEbqpSo&t=191s _

_0.00 / 7:09_

_Beverly Marsh Presents Richie Tozier the Man of Style Award | InStyle Awards 2020 | InStyle_

_23,601 views . Oct 24, 2020_

\----

InStyle

104K subcribers

“Is he funny? I think. Is he a brilliant comedian, writer, and director? Mmhm. Can he do flawless impressions. I heard that he can, yes. But that is not why we know and love him. We know and love Richie Tozier because he has a keen eye for fashion and trends and letting us know what’s next”. 😂 Beverly Marsh joked around while presenting her best friend Richie Tozier with the Man of Style award.

_[Transcript]_

[Beverly walks on stage].

“Hi guys. Thank you for inviting me. I’m Beverly Marsh. When I think of Richie Tozier, the very first thing that comes to mind is fashion icon”.

[People in the audience laugh; Beverly waits a few seconds before continuing].

“Is he funny? I think. Is he a brilliant comedian, writer, and director? Mmhm. Can he do flawless impressions. I heard that he can, yes. But that is not why we know and love him. We know and love Richie Tozier because he has a keen eye for fashion and trends and letting us know what’s next”.

[Laughter].

“I see you agree. I have been close friends with Richie or almost thirty years. We’re practically family. I love you; I love the Kaspbrak family – hello Eddie! Hahaha. And wow! The fashion moments that I have been lucky enough to witness along the way, I can’t even explain it”.

[Laughter].

“The t-shirts; the patterned short-sleeve button ups; ugh, don’t get me started on the glasses. When he wore that shirt said: ‘you are my rock, my Dwayne, my Johnson’. When he wore that shirt that said: ‘what have you done to deserve your legs’. When he wore that shirt that said: ‘I don’t need sex, the government fucks me every day’. Trust me, I know that not everybody is lucky enough to witness this firsthand, so seeing it up close is a big deal that’s not lost on me”.

[Laughter that sounds like Richie Tozier’s can be heard].

“See, even he agrees. He gets it. Um, when it comes to Richie’s love of fashion, it’s not just about street style or red carpet, he takes it wherever he goes. I was blessed enough to witness an interaction between him and his stylist. As someone who knows nothing about fashion, it was a really big deal for me”.

[There is laughter].

“The interaction went like this. Richie’s stylist said: ‘hey Richie I think you should wear a plain black t-shirt rather than a graphic tee’, and Richie replied: ‘yeah, okay’. Woah, I’m getting emotional just thinking about it”. 

[Beverly wipes at her eyes and the audience laughs].

“Even though Richie is an absolute fucking fashionista, he still remains one of the most talented, down to earth, wonderful people I know. Plus, he’s tall and has broad shoulders so he can pull off anything. Richie, I love you. You are one of my best friends. I am absolutely honoured to present the Man of Style award to Richie Tozier!”.

[Richie goes to stand on the stage. Beverly embraces him and hands him the award. Richie takes it into his hands. Beverly sits down].

“Beverly, you can’t talk about my sexy shoulders – our husbands are here”.

[Laughter].

“Hahaha, thank you for those kind and genuine words. Don’t worry about me and her running away together and leaving our husbands. I’m already planning to run away with Ben. Sorry Eds, I’m too hot for you now”.

[There is laughter. Richie laughs too].

“Uh, this is hilarious that I’m getting this award. And when I told people I was getting this award they all made fun of me. This, uh, started-”. [He laughs]. “Yeah, I started dressing better-“. [He laughs again]. “And the reason is… well, my fashion look forever was the most horrific thrifted t-shirt and jeans and a short-sleeved button down – you know, very comedian on the verge of a public breakdown”.

[People laugh].

“But uh, what happened was, uh, I started getting older. Obviously. And I started getting more successful - not to brag. And I started dating my beautiful husband. And I realised that I needed to start dressing better to keep up with all these things. Oh, and I started losing my hair – so yeah, those accounts on twitter that record my hairline – you guys were onto something”.

[A couple of people laugh].

“So yeah. Wait, I forgot to mention, I met Tan France and was on that thing _Dressing Funny_, and he basically echoed the words of my husband and said I was an 'unfashionable piece of shit'”. [Richie laughs]. “So, I got a stylist! Hi, Jacinta! Yeah, she came to my house and she and Eddie tag-teamed bullying me to death over all the clothes I own”. 

[Laughter].

“Yeah. There’s still this Tumblr account called _letsbuyrichietoziersomenewclothes_ and I still follow it – they seem proud of me…” [There’s a couple of beats of silence]. “We’re all drunk, right?”.

[Loud laughter; there’s some clapping].

“It just hit me. Man, I hope what I said made sense. But anyway, thank you guys so much. I’m honoured to be this year’s Man of Style”. [Richie laughs]. “Okay, bye”.

_[End of transcript]_

***

Richie sits at a table, surrounded by a light blue backdrop.

“Wait, so we’re rolling now?”, he asks.

“Yeah”, says the director. “We’ll bring you your essential items and then you just talk about them. Once it’s edited and shit, it’d be all professional”.

“Wow”, says Richie. “I like the sound of that”.

A couple of moments later, he directed to say the following: “Hi GQ, I’m Richie Tozier – Man of Style, and these are my essentials”.

Once Richie does it, he asks: “was that good?”.

He gets the affirmative.

“Oh my God, is that Twitter username @trashmouth?”, says a voice from behind the camera. “I’m such a big fan!”. 

Richie looks into the lens of the camera and waits for the person who made the comment to be told off; it doesn’t happen.

“Oh yeah”, says the director. “Tell us about your @”.

“Uh”, Richie says. “It’s a childhood nickname. You know, apparently when you’re a kid and you swear too much and say inappropriate jokes, you get given a childhood nickname which ends up haunting you until you’re in your forties”.

The people on set laugh.

“Don't lie”, says the voice. “You gave yourself that nickname”.

The people on set laugh harder.

“Wow”, says Richie, looking at someone on the other side of the camera. "Thanks babe".

They move on to the first item; one of the assistants on set passes it to him.

“Okay, here’s my phone”, Richie takes it into his hands. “I’d say it’s pretty essential to my being. My manager and I share this Google calendar-thing so I always know where I’m meant to be. Uh, I use it to listen to music; I play games; and, I use it for social media”.

“So unique!”, says the voice from behind the camera.

Richie laughs and places the phone down on the table. “You seemed to like the texts I sent you last night-”.

“Oh my God, what is wrong with you!”, yells the voice.

“Let’s move on to the next item”, says the director.

They pass Richie the next item.

“Uh, this is my notebook – as you can see, it’s pretty old and beaten up”. Richie flips open to a random page. “Here, on this page I was just writing some random shit. I forgot how to spell the word ‘aisle’ – you know, like at the supermarket. Those types of aisles. As you can see I had a breakdown”.

The people on set laugh.

Richie flips to another random page. “Oh yeah, and here are some of the jokes in my latest comedy special. It’s the homoerotic-English-texts one”. Richie turns the notebook so it faces the camera.

“Is that just a blank page with ‘homoerotic books’ at the top?”, asks one of the assistants. 

Richie smirks. “Uh yeah, it’s pretty self-explanatory”.

Laughter, mixed with a groan.

The next essential is brought forth.

“Ahaha, um, this is a picture frame. And I do carry it around with me if I’m travelling and stuff. I put different people in the frame”. Richie shows the front of the picture frame at the camera. “At the moment it’s a picture of my friend Mikey – he’s at Disneyland or Disneyworld, I don’t really know the difference. Look at how happy he is!”.

“You didn’t want it to be a picture of your husband?”, says the voice.

Richie laughs. “Um, no. He’s being mean to me at the moment and I don’t like to reward bad behaviour”.

The people on set laugh.

The next essential item is given to Richie.

Richie laughs. “This is so weird, but look guys, I’m healthy”. He shows the camera a tube labelled ‘Green Superfood Hydrate’. “It’s like one full serving of greens and veggies. Uh, you put it in a glass of water, it fizzes up, and you don’t have to eat vegetables ever again”.

A couple of other people laugh, one protests. “That’s not why I gave it to you! You're meant to take them as well as eating healthily”.

Richie looks into the camera. “Can you guys hear something? Anyway…”.

There is more laughter.

The next few items are brought out, and Richie talks about them: an old and tangled pair Apple wired earphones, a fidget toy, and lip balm.

The eighth essential item is given to Richie; they are a pair of shoes.

“So, these are my shoes - they're the Stan/Sam Smiths. I’m wearing an identical pair of them right now”. 

Richie brings his foot up onto the table; a quiet “oh my God, are you serious?” can be heard in the background. Richie smiles and takes his foot off of the table.

“I really like them, I think they made me the Man of Style”, Richie laughs. “Also, they’re not too expensive – I think maybe $80?”. Richie picks one up and throws it in the air and catches it. “People come on here and try to flex, right?”, he asks the production crew; he gets an answer. “Hahaha wow, what assholes”.

The ninth essential item is given to Richie.

“This is my wallet”, he holds the thing up. “It probably should have been number two because it too is very essential to my everyday life”. He opens it. “Here, I’ll show you my debit card”. Richie takes it out of its place and waves it around. “Hahaha I’ll quickly show you guys the front and back – and if you guys succeed in getting the digits then that’s on me”.

The crew laugh; Richie is yelled at.

It’s time for the last essential item.

“Bring me my last essential item”, Richie demands in a Voice. 

“Oh my God, you were not serious about that”, says the voice from behind the camera. 

Richie makes a pleading face. “I thought you wanted to come to work with me today – you’re my number one essential, baby”, he says while making grabby-hands.

“Ew”, says the voice. “Never make that face again”. But they walk onto the set and stand behind Richie, placing their hands on Richie’s shoulders.

“This is Eddie Spaghetti, my husband”, Richie says with a huge smile on his face.

Eddie has a smile on his face too; his hands travel to Richie neck and lightly squeeze. “Please don’t call me that”, he says without heat.

Richie makes an amazing noise. “Oh my God! Eddie!”, he yells while laughing. “Not while the camera’s on. Unless you want to try something out tonight-”.

Eddie interrupts him, blushing red. “STOP! Thank you GQ for having us; these were Richie’s essential items”.

Richie tilts his head to look up at Eddie; they smile and laugh at one another. 

END

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhh thank you for reading!! 
> 
> I tried out some new formats ,,, I hope they were entertaining.
> 
> If you enjoyed, please leave a comment/kudos!! :D 
> 
> As always, I'm happy to scream about these two idiots in the comments BAHAHAH.


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